The crackdown on ‘plotters and insurgent forces’ involved in a recent Turkish coup continues to spread fear among Dalston residents.
‘My dad’s gone off his nut this time,’ said Mr Arif Tuna, one of the alleged conspirators and deposed manager of the Everything 89p Mega Mart.
‘He’s always been a bit of a tyrant, has Dad, but as soon as he saw those tanks on the telly he was sure me and my brothers were plotting his overthrow. Consequently, we have been swept from power and a three month state of emergency has been declared across the entire shop.’
Mr Tuna’s father, Mr Recep Tuna – known by his family as ‘The President’ – has also cracked down on all media outlets suspected of disloyalty to his regime.
‘Yeah, he took my sister’s phone off her. So she couldn’t stir up unrest among the staff with her firebrand rhetoric, see? He thinks she’s a tool of the West. Her and Twitter.’
‘But it’s ridiculous. She’s only fourteen. She’s the only one in her class who can’t play Pokémon Go now. The man’s become a paranoid monster.’
Mr Recep Tuna, who blames Gen Joseph Votel, head of US Central Command, and various German comedians for inspiring the coup, has instigated a root-and-branch reorganisation of the 89p Mega Mart’s military forces.
‘He made my little brother leave the cubs,’ said Mr Tuna ‘He was going camping in Rhyl next week, but the old man said Rhyl wasn’t Islamic enough, so that was that.’
‘And my mum used to be a lollypop lady. She’s had to give that up, obviously, so, as you can see, our uniformed forces have been utterly purged.’
President Tuna has also stepped up his attacks on neighbouring shops criticising his actions this week, telling them to ‘mind your own business, especially you bloody bastards at Poundworld’.
According to his son, the President feels he can act with impunity within Europe or else he will send a tidal wave of migrants crashing against the borders of Germany, but in reality the tidal wave is just uncle Mehmet who wants to go to the Black Forest to buy a cuckoo clock and one of those big beer mugs with a lid.