Resignation Honours List ‘Rewards Useless Tossers’ Shock

Opposition Councillors have called for a complete overhaul of the honours system after this newspaper published leaked details of former Dalston mayor Miles Toob’s resignation honours list.

Labour councillors managed to stop garroting one another long enough yesterday to describe Mr Toob’s list as ‘the most shamelessly self-serving document since Donald Trump’s autobiography’.

Among the nominees for honours are Mr Toob’s chiropractor, his personal sommelier, his master of hounds, himself, ‘that cracking totty from the Darmstadt conference (you know the one)’, himself again, President Vladimir Putin, ‘the wife’s mother, to keep the old witch quiet’, sixteen Conservative lickspittles from the council, ‘any of my valets who don’t already have a gong’, the Cayman Islands, and a pot plant with which the former mayor became romantically involved during one of his frequent psychotic episodes.

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That cracking totty from Darmstadt celebrates her elevation to the House of Lords with friends yesterday

‘The word ‘cronyism’ doesn’t begin to cover it,’ said Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm while struggling to hold his finance spokesman in an Indian deathlock, ‘I mean, he’s already knighted all his tutors from Eton and Oxford, six of them posthumously. Last year all his polo ponies were made Companions of Honour – they’re still shampooing the palace carpets today. The man’s completely lost touch with reality,’ he added, removing his deputy’s front teeth with a nunchuck.

One of the Conservative lickspittles named in the list has made a robust defence of the former mayor. Sir Dickie Swine – who has been nominated for elevation ‘to Pope or, failing that, Archbishop of Luton’ – told the Mercury: ‘I think we all get far too excited about these things.’

‘These honours are simply a way of rewarding people who have been particularly useless but deserve a bit more of a thank you than their already obscenely bloated salaries.’

We tried to contact former mayor Miles Toob for a comment but he was ‘out auditioning some new serfs’. And anyway, he ‘doesn’t talk to oiks or proles any more unless they pony up first’, apparently.

 

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