A lawyer for Dalston council has confirmed what we all hoped and prayed for: that it is perfectly legal to twat any middle aged person playing bloody Pokemon Go in the middle of a busy high street while you’re trying to get to work.
‘According to the Dalston Town Charter of 1231,’ said Dalston Attorney General Susan Briefs QC, ‘and confirmed by our Constitution of 1776, any citizen is within his rights to ‘purge of innards‘, ‘de-gut‘ or ‘pizzle-hack‘ any man of ‘goodly years‘ found acting ‘in the manner of a puling infant‘ on the Queen’s highway.’
‘It’s a question of interpretation, obviously, but in my judgement this rule obviously applies to anyone over the age of thirty found playing with little Japanese cartoon characters in broad daylight. And it applies most specifically to the utter knob who spilled coffee all over my skirt this morning while pumping his fist and hissing ‘yes!’ under his breath after catching a Nidorino outside Greggs.’
‘The council would also like to remind residents,’ she continued, sponging a flat white off her thigh, ‘that by some constitutional quirk the death penalty still applies within the Greater Dalston boundary for acts of ‘sedition‘, ‘treasonable actions against the mayor‘, or ‘making an arse of thyself to the displeasure of the general citizenry‘.’
‘That last bit has got Pokemon Go written all over it, don’t you think?’
The Mercury checked with Mrs Briefs about whether the death penalty might also be extended to the first reader who writes in to point out that we didn’t put the little acute accent over the ‘e’ in Pokemon, and she said ‘definitely, yeah. I’ll see to it personally.’
In brighter news: The number of adult Pokemon players killed after wandering blindly into oncoming traffic is said to be reaching ‘very satisfactory’ proportions in the Dalston area.