Dalston Police to be Armed – Church Attendance at All-Time High

The news that more armed police will be seen on London’s streets from now on has been greeted as ‘absolutely awesome’ by the Dalston Constabulary.

Following an announcement by Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan, Chief Inspector Derek Slipper of Dalston Police told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, me and the boys are totally fired-up about this. It’s a top bit of policy making from old Hogie. Couldn’t be happier.’

‘We’ve had our eye on a number of villains who’ve deserved a taste of hot lead for ages. We’ve got a list of perps as long as your arm just asking to be caught in a withering hail of perfectly legal gunfire, so it’ll be wicked to get down to some real policing at last. Like they do in America.’ Then he made a pretend gun with his fingers and aimed it at a passing Rastafarian.

dalston police
Dalston police report for firearms training yesterday

When we reminded him that the increased armed presence in London was intended as a response to the threat of terrorism, Chief Inspector Slipper said: ‘Oh, yeah, terrorism. Obviously we can make it look like anything you like; terrorism is the fashionable crime du jour, init? So I imagine most of our shootings will go down in the books as terrorism-related, definitely.’

‘I mean, I have to admit there will be times, for example, when we have to instigate a totally-within-the-law gunning-down of a white, Anglican UKIP supporter who’s got on our wick for some reason.’

‘It will present a challenge to dress up that sort of thing as our foiling a murderous Islamic terror plot. But there’s always the collateral damage excuse, yeah? We can just say we was aiming at Abdul who was standing behind him, or something.’

‘Don’t get me wrong; if there are any actual terrorists around we’ll shoot them like dogs in a now-legally-sanctioned sort of way. We’re not fussy, God knows!’

‘It’s going to be like Reservoir-bloody-Dogs round here. Hopefully.’

Then he went off to check whether he would be allowed to take his gun home with him at night, and if hand grenades were going to be allowed. And whether he’d be able to ‘call in air strikes. Y’know, on special occasions.’


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