Labour Leader ‘Not so much shoots himself in the foot as blows his whole bloody leg off. Again’

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm – apparently unsatisfied by the number of accusations levelled at him of bullying, anti-Semitism, fiscal incompetence, indecision, unelectability and terrible dress sense – has decided to pin another target to his beleaguered, tweedy behind.

‘Yeah,’ he told the Mercury from his Chancellery bunker, ‘it looked like the Tories were beginning to corner the market in shameless cronyism, so I thought we should have a go at the whole ‘bringing the honours system into disrepute’ thing too.’

Mr Hobsbawm, a principled lifelong opponent of an unelected House of Lords, has decided to elevate his closest – possibly his only – ally to the unelected House of Lords. In a totally principled kind of way, natch.

‘Um, the thing is,’ he cringingly obfuscated from behind a filing cabinet, ‘I had to give her something after she hauled my arse out of the fire over that anti-Semitism business. I was going to get her some flowers and a box of Quality Street, but party funds don’t stretch far these days. Also, she’s a feminist so, y’know… bit dodgy, the flowers and that.’

Labour Councillor
A Labour councillor celebrates his leader’s latest stroke of genius yesterday

The recipient of the peerage, Ms Shamey Chatanoogachoo, recently authored Dalston Labour’s wholly independent and objective report into the party’s alleged anti-Semitism, a report paid for by the Dalston Labour Party which was, like, totally independent and objective and came to exactly the conclusion the Dalston Labour Party had hoped for.

Tories in the borough, meanwhile, have nominated Mr Hobsbawm for a peerage in recognition of his services to the Conservative Party. ‘He really is the mind-numbingly stupid gift that keeps on giving,’ chortled one Tory Councillor over his port and Stilton last night.

 

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