The chairman of local football giants AC Spartak Dalston has expressed the club’s interest in stealing one of the Rio Olympic venues from the people of Brazil in order to cynically boost his own bank balance.
Speaking from Rio after a spirited and exceptionally violent escape from Belmarsh Prison last week, Mr Ryan ‘Nobby’ Clough told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, it’s all about legacy ain’t it, the Olympics? All about making sure the little kiddies are inspired to play sport and lending ordinary people wings, giving the common man hope of soaring, like his heroes, into the celestial sporting pantheon of dreams? That sort of guff, yeah?’
‘That and, obviously, giving bloody big tax-payer funded stadiums to fantastically wealthy Premiership football clubs that can afford to buy their own.’
‘So that’s why we, the board of AC Spartak Dalston, are at Rio – eyeing up the real estate before West Ham get any more ideas.’
‘Plus,’ he added, ‘the absence of an extradition treaty with the UK makes this a particularly attractive location to begin the expansion of the club’s global reach, and that.’
AC Spartak Dalston were relegated last season from the prestigious Henderson’s Industrial Bleach Division 12 (South), the lowest known rung on the English footballing ladder. They are uncertain whether they will be able to continue playing home matches on the astroturf at Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School, particularly as they never had permission to play there in the first place.
‘So, obviously, we can’t be too choosy right now,’ said Mr Clough, a former Mercury football pundit, ‘we’d be happy for the Brazilian people to donate any of these multi-million pound venues to us. The velodrome looks cushty, for example. Bit of a funny shape for football, but we’d make it work when the lycra brigade have done their bit and gone home.’
Mr Clough told the Mercury that he would be more than happy to work with the mayor of Rio to make it look as though this massive stitch-up was in the public interest and represented best value to the tax payer, ‘even those tax payers what hates West Ham. Which, let’s face it, is practically all of them.’
The Rio authorities have confirmed to the Mercury that they are ‘very interested in being taken for a ride by a major British football club in accordance with the ruinously expensive traditions of the Olympic movement.’ But they did say that even they would have drawn the line at West Ham.