Dalston’s representative on the British Olympic Committee has confirmed this morning that Andy Murray’s status as a great British sporting hero has been officially downgraded since his defeat in the doubles competition last night.
‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Keith Antonio Samaranche told the Mercury, ‘Andy is still very much British at the moment.’
‘It’s just that his level of Britishness has diminished since getting beaten by the two Brazilians yesterday. Particularly since we didn’t even know Brazilians could do tennis.’
Apparently Mr Murray, who carried the Union Jack at Fridays’s Olympic opening ceremony, had previously been rated ‘as British as Billy Connolly, more or less’.
‘But following his pathetic display yesterday,’ snorted Mr Samaranch, ‘he’s in danger of achieving parity with the Krankies or someone of that order.’
‘Another poor showing in the singles and he’ll be down to ‘barely British at all’ like Sean Connery, and failure to win a medal would have him relegated to ‘useless bloody Sturgeon-loving Jacobite git’. Or, to give that level of un-Britishness its technical name: ‘Scottish’. And I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.’
Mr Samaranch hopes that the threat of losing his ‘properly British’ status will act as motivation to Mr Murray, who is an enthusiastic advocate of the union, as evidenced by his recent flag-carrying activities. ‘But just in case he doesn’t get the message,’ said Mr Samaranch in a haughty, occupying power kind of voice, ‘we’ve put some pictures of Alex Salmond in his tennis bag and replaced his energy drink with Irn Bru. If that doesn’t make him appreciate the case for remaining less Scottish, then he is lost to us, I’m afraid.’
Then he went off to watch that bit of Braveheart where Mel Gibson gets cut into pieces.