Trump to ‘Usher-In New Age of Global Peace by Wiping-Out Mankind’ – Local Sources

Dalston mayor Selina Marr has distanced herself from an open letter signed by 50 Republican national security experts warning that nominee Donald Trump ‘would be the most reckless president’ in US history.

‘These people are nothing more than the failed Washington elite looking to hold on to their power,’ Mrs Marr told the Mercury ‘and, furthermore, these are the same spoilsports who have always been so sniffy about Dalston’s independent nuclear deterrent.’

Donald Trump has advocated allowing every country on earth, plus quite a few individuals and corporations to hold, and presumably use, nuclear weapons whenever they feel like it.

‘There is no way we are going to miss out on a bun fight like that,’ said Mrs Marr, getting all Dr Strangelovey, ‘if the Japs and the Koreans are getting nukes then it’s only a matter of time before those unpredictable warmongers of Iran and Camden Town get them too.’

donald trump
Donald Trump yesterday

‘Then it’ll be Islington’s turn, and Tower Hamlets have always been power mad. So obviously we’ve got to get ourselves properly tooled-up with some seriously lethal mega-tonnage. Y’know, for the sake of global peace and harmony.’

Finally,’ she said, ‘a presidential candidate who really understands international security!’

Mr Trump has also endorsed the use of torture and global cyber-crime, ‘but,’ said Mrs Marr, ‘we already do both of those in Dalston.’

‘However if Big Swinging Don – as I call him – would like to exchange other ideas about keeping the proles in their place, we’d be very interested in meeting with him.’

‘We think he’d be fully supportive of our ‘hunting job-seekers with hounds’ programme, and our ‘Russian roulette for young offenders’ scheme has been very successful in reducing the incidence of re-offending.’

A spokesman for Mr Trump said the Republican nominee would be ‘completely up for that kind of stuff’ and asked whether Dalston council had anything that would work on Mexicans or women carrying unwanted pregnancies.

 

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