Government Nuclear Dithering Decimates Dalston Soup Sales -Exclusive!

A Dalston restaurateur is claiming the government’s indecision on the Hinkley Point nuclear power station is adversely affecting his business.

Mr Gary Wu, owner of the Lucky Blossom Dragon Jade Lotus Garden Chinese takeaway told the Mercury that US, British and Australian suspicions that Chinese investment in energy infrastructure projects may lead to industrial sabotage, nuclear conflict and global Armageddon have hit sales of Szechuan beef in black bean sauce and, particularly, in fish head soup.

‘To be honest with you, the Szechuan beef in black bean sauce hasn’t been doing too badly,’ Mr Wu told the Mercury, ‘the downturn experienced in Szechuan beef may be due to news getting around about that pube someone found in one. Allegedly found in one, I mean.’

‘But the sales data on the soup is utterly compelling. We haven’t shifted a single fish head soup since news of the Hinkley Point controversy broke.’

Theresa May, the prime minister, is being urged by Beijing to come to a quick decision on the Hinkley Point nuclear project, while the Chinese ambassador to London, Liu Xiaoming, has warned that bilateral ties have reached a ‘historical juncture’. Mr Wu totally agrees, without being totally sure what a ‘juncture’ is.

‘I think it’s down to the generally aquatic nature of the dish, personally,’ he said, ‘given that nuclear power stations tend to be at the seaside, yeah?’

‘I think the associative power of the human brain has led to our customers making an entirely erroneous connection between Chinese radiation and the sea. And, by extension, between Chinese military adventurism and my lovely fish head soup.’

When asked how many servings of fish head soup he had sold before the Hinkley Point news broke, Mr Wu said: ‘Look, I’ll be honest with you. It’s never been among our top sellers, what with that great big head floating in it, and the eyes looking at you and that.’ Then he gave a sort of involuntary shudder and a small retching noise.

Fish Head Soup
Unsold fish head soup yesterday – blame Theresa May

We asked for clarification on whether Mr Wu had ever sold a serving of fish head soup, but he went all quiet and defensive. He did assure us, however, that he was definitely going to sue the government for compensation. ‘Not the Chinese government, obviously,’ he said. ‘I’m not mad.’

Then he offered us some fish head soup to take home because ‘we’ve got gallons of the bloody stuff in the fridge. Some of it’s been hanging about for weeks,’ but we declined.

 

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