Mercury Downed by Powerful International Forces. Or Jeremy Corbyn

Breaking News:  The Dalston Mercury is to suspend all print and online activities for 48 hours following a cyber attack suspected to be authorised by Beijing. Or Moscow. Or possibly the Labour party. Although no-one is ruling out the Tories either. And Sir Bradley Wiggins is said to be non too pleased about yesterday’s post. Sepp Blatter is another possibility. As is Donald Trump.

Russian spy
It’s probably him

Anyhow, our powerful corporate servers have been fatally compromised by the international forces of evil (or Sir Bradley) meaning classified details of staff members’ Angry Birds scores, their exotic tastes in pornography and those rare, candid pictures of Jeremy Corbyn’s period as the Bullingdon Club’s pet gimp will soon be in the hands of Julian Assange. And nobody wants to be in that place.

The Mercury, therefore, will return on Monday. After we’ve renewed our Norton subscription. Vladimir Putin allowing.

Until then, other international news services are available. (But don’t trust those bastards at The Onion. They make it all up.)


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