Dalston’s Olympic Legacy of ‘Death, Dismemberment and Pornography’

Dalston Council leaders have called for the Olympic Games to be banned after a disastrous weekend of sporting participation which has left local hospitals overflowing and countless dead littering the streets of the borough.

‘It’s the same ivery four years,’ wailed council Parks and Recreation spokesman Reena Thrush, ‘all these bliddy imateurs watch the tilly for ten bliddy minutes end get the idea thit they’re bliddy ithletes, loik me! Of course they’re going to do thimselves a bliddy injury.’

Ms Thrush, a former South African Commonwealth Games Connect 4 champion, is particulary concerned about events at the borough’s International Aquatic Centre, or the London Fields Lido, as it was known until last week.

‘Honestly, it looked like a dim scene from Jaws whin oi was there on Sinday!’ she told the Mercury.

Organisers of the Dalston Men’s 4×100 Medley Relay admit it was a mistake to schedule the race at the same time as the Syncronised Swimming Teams Free Routine competition. ‘We could probably have made that work,’ said relay organiser Jason Bream, ‘we could’ve just swum round them or something.’

‘No, most of the limbs were lost because we clashed with the medal race in the Mixed Nacra 17 (multihull) competition. Having a load of high speed catamarans bearing down on a crowd of dopey girls with one leg sticking out of the water was never going to end well.’

‘Give them credit, though,’ said Mr Bream, ‘most of them kept doing that weird smiley thing all the way to the ambulances. But, as I’ve told the council a hundred times, this sort of thing is the inevitable consequence of providing inadequate aquatic and maritime facilities in a landlocked borough.’

The Dalston Olympic Taekwondo competition bronze medal match

The number of fatalities suffered by drunk hipsters attempting BMX moves on their fixies and unicycles has been described by police as ‘currently incalculable’, and over thirty deaths on the Clement Attlee Estate on Saturday night were ascribed to ‘Olympic Taekwondo-related activities’. Although, it should be noted that ‘over thirty deaths’ is considered a pretty quiet Saturday night on the Clement Attlee Estate.

On a brighter note, residents of de Beauvoir Square were delighted to see a spirited game of Women’s Beach Volleyball break out in the early hours of Sunday morning, but it turned out to be an unlicensed photo shoot for Razzle.

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