The Lambent Whelk, the first pub in Dalston to physically exclude the working class, has devised another seasonal money-grab inspired by the Olympic Games, eye-watering greed and bottomless cynicism.
‘Yeah, dude,’ smarmed Lambent Whelk proprietor Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, ”cos, like, our Wimbledon event was major winner, moolah-wise, yeah? Brought in the right sort of people, raised the tone? Yeah? Attracted the kind of punter willing to shell-out big time for fizz and seasonal fruit, yeah?’
‘So we’ve cleared the back yard, got rid of Henman Hill and filled the place with sand instead. Copacadalston Beach, yeah? Genius!’
All drinks will now be served either out of pineapples or coconuts. Even Guinness.
‘Yeah, I mean, the ten quid deposit on each pineapple alone is netting us a bloody fortune,’ leered Mr Porter-Seabass, ‘people eat them, sit on them, then wham! Another tenner in the till. Which is totally in the spirit of the Olympic games, if you remember how much a pie cost at 2012.’
All female bar staff are dressed as beach volleyball players or, during periods of cold weather, beach volleyball players with a feather boas around their necks.
‘Yeah,’ said Mr Porter-Seabass, ‘we are, like, so opposed to the objectification of totty here at The Whelk, and we feel these outfits are totally empowering to chicks. You can almost see our super-hot and almost naked waitresses breaking through that glass ceiling right before your eyes. Also, it’s, like, totally ironic, yeah?’
Mr Porter-Seabass has also replicated the South American ambience by ensuring that non of the toilets work. ‘And,’ he continued, ‘this is Dalston, so people can enjoy an entirely authentic Rio 2016 experience by having their phone stolen as soon as they leave the premises and then getting car-jacked on the way home.’
‘Which is free, by the way,’ he added.