A-level Students ‘Stupid and Utterly Doomed’ – University Head

A marginal fall in the number of top grades awarded at A-level this year has been greeted with by airy indifference by prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving).

Chancellor of the University, Prof. Euthanasia Lucre told the Mercury: ‘Frankly, we don’t give a monkey’s what grades they get just so long as the mouth-breathing morons pony-up the cash, and pronto.’

The proportion of A* and A grades was 25.8%, down by 0.1% on last year. The pass rate of 98.1% remained the same, news that was dismissed as ‘utterly bloody irrelevant to anything,’ by Professor Lucre.

‘It’s all bollocks, isn’t it?’ she said, ‘For God’s sake, we’ve got a canteen that sells chips, there’s a pool table, the beer’s subsidised; I mean, what the hell else do they need?’

It’s all downhill from here – Dalston University graduates celebrate

‘Look,’ she went on, ‘this is the deal: they turn up (having miraculously navigated their way from some provincial hell hole or other), they hand over the wonga at the gate, then they spend three fulfilling years getting pissed, protesting about statues and the ‘invasion of their safe space’ by college authorities, and at the end they get to wear a stupid hat while we give ’em bit of paper certifying they’ve achieved a basic level of competence in Media Studies or Veterinary Yoga or some such cobblers. Then they spend eight dispiriting years trying to ‘make it’ in London before sloping off back to the boondocks where they die, disappointed and unmourned in penurious obscurity. It doesn’t matter what they get in their bloody A-levels now, does it?’

We suggested to Professor Lucre that her view of higher education might be considered, by some, as slightly cynical, but she told us to take it up with the government ‘if you wanna see cynical, mate’.



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