American Swimmers Inspire Orgy of Celebratory Toilet-Smashing in Dalston

Dalston businesses have reported a ten-fold increase in incidents of toilet vandalism and fictitious gun play in what is being described as ‘Olympic fever’ by police.

‘Yeah,’ said Chief Inspector Derek Slipper of Dalston Police, ‘the thing is, very few people can swim the mens’s 4x200m freestyle relay in seven minutes like Ryan Lochte.’

‘But anyone can smash-up a toilet and then claim to have been robbed at gun point. I’ve done it myself. Who hasn’t?’

The Dalston police chief puts the number of toilets destroyed in a celebratory Olympic spirit as ‘very considerable, approaching crisis point’.

broken-toilet-image
Ryan Lochte was here. Allegedly

‘Over half the toilets in the borough are now inoperable,’ Inspector Slipper told the Mercury, ‘not a single pub toilet is working and people have started going home to vandalise their own khazis in frustration.’

‘If this goes on we will soon be experiencing sanitary conditions comparable to those of a Mogadishu brothel or even parts of Lancashire. It’s that bad.’

Chief Inspector Slipper has vowed to ‘throw the book’ at anyone caught smashing up a public convenience, unless they are a ‘smug, rich, entitled, gobby American brat with stupid hair’, in which case they will get off scott free.

 

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