Dalston’s Australian community is celebrating their country’s new status as a sporting minnow today.
‘Aww look,’ said the Australian ambassador to Dalston, His Excellency Bruce ‘Crocodile’ Dunfermline this morning, ‘we’ve decided there’s no point getting wound up by the fact that the Poms are now effortlessly superior to us in every conceivable way. Especially in winning gold medals.’
‘Instead, we’ve decided to take pride in our Olympians’ small achievements, like getting to the end of a bike race without falling off. Or not having to be rescued from the diving pool. Not a single drowning so far! Go Aussie!’
Australians are renowned the world over as generous winners and thoughtful, philosophical losers but are having to adjust to life scrapping with Tanzania and Liechtenstein for the minor placings in sports no-one has heard of.
‘Yeah, look,’ said Mr Dunfermline, the corks on his hat bobbing merrily in the Dalston breeze, ‘it’s just not in the Australian character to moan about our staggering ineptitude at sport, especially when our friends and colonial overlords in Great Britain are doing so astonishingly well.’
‘And, in any case,’ he went on while punching a photo of the Queen, ‘we just have to celebrate the things we are good at.’
‘I mean, at least one of us is Kylie Minogue. She’s good. And Dame Edna’s still got it. She can’t play hockey, unfortunately, but you can’t have everything.’
Mr Dunfermline confirmed that he and his compatriots are really looking forward to the Tokyo games in three years time, when ‘hopefully the Kiwis and South Africans will also sail imperiously past us on the medal table too. We’d really like that.’
Then somebody mentioned rugby and he threw himself under a bus.