Manchester Olympic Parade will end in ‘Gun Fire and Uninspiring, Derivative Theatre’

Dalston business leaders have reacted with outrage to the Prime Minister’s decision to hold the Olympic victory parade in Manchester rather than London.

Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, proprietor of the Lambent Whelk public house, told the Mercury: ‘This is a catastrophe for local businesses. Obviously Dalston, being the cultural, sporting and entertainment hub of the capital, would have been included on the parade route, and we all know how an orgy of jingoistic celebration combines with maudlin patriotism to open people’s wallets. I’m bloody gutted to be missing out on a pay-day like that.’

Mr Gary Wu, owner of the Lucky Blossom Dragon Jade Lotus Garden Chinese takeaway, has concerns about the security of the event if it is held away from the capital. ‘I’ve only been to Manchester once,’ he told the Mercury, ‘to attend a prawn cracker symposium at the town hall. I had my wheel hubs nicked.’

‘That don’t bode well, does it? Wheel hubs today, terrorism tomorrow, I always say. And how are all those paralympians going to flee a murderous hail of bullets with their wheelchairs and Zimmer frames and that?’

‘Nah, mate. You’ve got to do it in London where the police is properly tooled-up, init?’

The Dalston People’s Theatre had been planning to present a new production as part of the Olympic celebrations, plans which have now been shelved in a massive fit of pique.

‘We had been intending,’ sniffed the theatre’s director, Mr Viktor von Doom, ‘to re-enact every step of Mo Farah’s 10,000 metre triumph in slow motion, naked, along the parade route as the athletes were passing.’

Dalston People's Theatre
The Dalston People’s Theatre channel their inner Mo Farah yesterday

‘In fact, we started last Tuesday because, y’know, it is in very slow motion and we had to calculate the length of time we would spend getting arrested and what have you.’

‘But we’ve knocked the entire production on the head now which, frankly, is a tragedy for British theatre and for mankind in general. I expect Manchester will do some extemporising on a theme of Coronation Street or pies or whippets or something – naked of course. But it won’t be the same.’

Local bin men have expressed their relief at not having to sweep up thousands of cheaply produced union jacks and commemorative Brownlee brothers inflatable clappy things. And horse poo.

 

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