Dalston’s Chinese community is suffering a Rio 2016 backlash as British fair-weather sports fans, addled by thousands of hours of non-stop TV viewing, commit horrifying acts of Olympic-inspired hubris.
‘It’s been terrible,’ said Mr Gary Wu, proprietor of the Lucky Blossom Dragon Jade Lotus Garden Chinese takeaway, ‘ever since team GB beat China in the Olympic medal table, my customers have presumed an innate superiority over me and my staff.’
Manifestations of this imagined pre-eminence have included ‘criticising the absence of star anise from my Singapore fried noodles’ and ‘saying my won ton dumplings could do with a bit of salt and vinegar’.
‘When I point out to them that I’ve been crisping duck and kung po-ing chicken for 20 years they get all ‘oh yeah, well where’s your unprecedented medal haul from the velodrome, eh? Where’s the evidence of your crushing dominance at the Fort Copacabana triathlon venue? ”
‘I wouldn’t care,’ said Mr Wu, ‘but I’m from Bromley.’
Elsewhere in the borough an optician who last week developed a previously unguessed-at passion for men’s 3-metre synchronised springboard diving is constructing several thousand full-size soldiers out of mud ‘to show ’em what a proper terracotta army looks like’.
On the Clement Attlee Estate traffic has been disrupted by several families collecting piles of bricks with which they are planning to ‘build a bloody massive wall what can be seen from space.’
‘Only we’re going to make a decent job of it,’ one deluded moron told the Mercury, ‘like what that Laura Trott would if she was in the giant wall business. None of your foreign rubbish here, mate.’
And another bloke is saving up to invest in the Hinkley Point nuclear power station, apparently. According to sources, he’s given up chips and everything.