Brands Line Up to Put Boot In on Ryan Lochte. World Tries to Keep Straight Face

More bad news for ridiculous toilet-smashing man-child and occasional American swimmer Ryan Lochte today as he is dropped by more sponsors, including swimwear manufacturer Speedo and fashion label Ralph Lauren.

They were followed by announcements from the (possibly made-up) skin care firm Syneron-Candela and Japanese mattress maker Airweave (who we’ve never heard of either).

These prestigious international companies now believe that Mr Lochte is not the noble paragon of youthful sporting virtue they had previously believed him to be, but is, in actuality, a massive pillock, and neither him nor his dreadful mother are the kind of people they want to be associated with any more.

Now one of Dalston’s major international brands has jumped on the bandwagon by ditching Lochte, a move likely to force the swimmer into penury and a future spent living under a bridge or something.

‘Yeah, I regret to announce that the Kenlucky Fried Chicken Shed (Dalston branch) is withdrawing its sponsorship of Mr Lochte herewith and with immediate effect,’ said Mr Benny Enteritis, proprietor of the company, well-known local fantasist, sex pest and alleged lover of Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow – ‘fully supportive’ of Mr Entiritis’s decision. According to Mr Entiritis

‘While no formal agreement existed between the two parties,’ he told the Mercury, ‘an understanding had developed during the London 2012 games when Mr Lochte popped in for a dozen spicy chicken wings, a side order of coleslaw, onion rings and a can of Fanta as part of his carefully controlled, protein-rich swimmer’s diet.’

‘He managed to avoid smashing-up our toilet on that occasion, by virtue of the fact that we don’t have one, and a verbal contract was brokered under which we undertook to keep Mr Lochte supplied with chicken nuggets. Y’know, in case they ever run out of them in America. Which could happen.’

Mr Enteritis, who is currently serving six months for a series of novel sex offences, told the Mercury that he has been appalled by Mr Lochte’s ‘duplicity, dishonesty and other symptoms suggestive of a deeper moral malaise that are incompatible with the aims and values of the Kenlucky Fried Chicken Shed (Dalston branch).’

‘Also, he clearly can’t hold his ale,’ said Mr Enteritis through his lawyer, ‘so he’s definitely not our kind of people no more, init?’

Mr Lochte is yet to comment on the matter, ‘probably because he’s too gutted’, says Mr Enteritis, ‘he loves a nugget, does Ryan.’

 

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