Dalston Politics: Green Party Councillor Coraline ‘George’ Lucas has raised the prospect of an electoral pact with Dalston Labour to prevent the parties ‘fighting each other’. Several local trees have vetoed the deal. Also, most squirrels vote UKIP, it turns out. Labour councillors have expressed concern about having to eat kale.
Dalston Health: Plans are being drawn up that could see cuts to NHS services across England. A spokesman for the Dalston Royal Infirmary and Veterinary College welcomed the news and pledged to make immediate cuts to patient numbers by locking the doors.
Dalston Technology: The cyber genius whose work was thrust into international headlines after being credited with creating malicious software capable of ‘jailbreaking’ any iPhone with just one tap of the screen has been identified by his brother as Samir ‘SamKam’ Kamal of Dalston. Despite now posing a security threat to every phone owner on the planet and having the power to cripple the US Stock Exchange at will, Mr Kamal will still unlock any phone for £10 – no questions asked – from his cubicle on Ridley Road Market.
Rio Comedy: Police in Brazil have charged US swimmer Ryan Lochte with making a false statement about being robbed at gunpoint during the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. We know we’ve done this story already, but we just like seeing it written down.