It can be confirmed tonight that the Dalston Mercury has failed to appear on news-stands worldwide for the last three days because its entire staff has taken refuge in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.
These extraordinary developments took place after some bloke in the mail room achieved near-Julian Assange levels of paranoia and general weirdness and persuaded the rest of us that US government forces were attempting to get us tried on jumped-up charges in the brutal dictatorship of Sweden and then flown to Guantanamo Bay for extensive water-boarding / forced colonic irrigation and other stuff of similar American levels of depravity. (Chili-dogs and something called ‘Hostess Twinkies’ were mentioned. And Fox News. 24-hours a day of Fox News, piped directly into the cerebral cortex. Which leaves people wanting to watch NASCAR and buy one of those ‘Make America Great Again’ hats, apparently. So we’re not risking it.)
Despite rumours to the contrary, this great publication has not – repeat not – been silenced because we are on holiday in Wales and have been a bit too pissed to write anything decent. It is definitely down to the Feds and the damn Swedes.
We hope to be back tomorrow after we persuaded the Ecuadorians to lend us a ZX81 and a dial-up modem, which they say is the best they can do at short notice (although we notice Julian has got a nice bloody Mac).
So please stop emailing.