‘Apple Owe Us Big-Time’ – Everyone on Earth

Dalston Council is claiming ‘loads of wonga, possibly up to £13 billion’ in back taxes from computer giant Apple after a three-year EU investigation concluded that the US firm’s Irish tax benefits are illegal.

‘The Irish have been playing fast-and-loose with EU tax regulation for years and they get rewarded with this massive payout,’ said the deputy leader of Dalston Council Consuela Ahmadinejad, ‘whereas we’ve kept our noses clean and get diddly-bloody-squat. It’s not on, is it?’

Cllr Ahmadinejad re-equipped Dalston council’s computer hardware inventory with Apple equipment three years ago after an ill-advised trip to a shiny shop in Regent Street staffed by smiling zombies in blue t-shirts.

Consequently, she is planning to claim back ‘absolutely shed loads’ for Apple laptop batteries that ‘blow-up, catch fire or melt during a vital presentation having spontaneously achieved the surface temperature of the sun’, Apple power cables that ‘are absolutely no better than any other damn computer power cables but cost twenty-three times more’, and songs downloaded legally from iTunes which then ‘won’t play on any device other than the one used to download it and, furthermore, flash up sanctimonious copyright infringement warnings despite the fact that they’ve bloody well been paid for’.

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Pay up, bastards.

‘All that,’ snarled Ms Ahmadinejad, ‘and having to put up with the beatification of that bald tosser ‘Jony’ Ive, has got to be worth 13 billion quid of anyone’s money, init?’

We at the Mercury heartily concur, writing this, as we are, on a borrowed fifty quid Acer laptop following one of Apple’s patented battery meltdowns. And if Jony Ive is such a design genius, why doesn’t he design himself some bloody hair, eh? Tell us that. Eh?

 

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