Melania Trump: A Retraction

Melania Trump is suing a British newspaper and a US blogger for $150m (£114m) over allegations she was a sex worker in the 1990s, her lawyer says.

That British newspaper is not, thank God, the Dalston Mercury, but you can’t be too careful, particularly as we are down to our very last $150m at the moment.

Regular readers will be aware, however, that this publication has, on occasion, and entirely by accident, had cause to make reference to Mr Donald Trump and [oh, sweet Jesus, it’s all coming back] his saintly and utterly unslutty wife Melania.

We would like to go on the record to state that we at Mercury Towers have only the very greatest respect for Mr Trump, his wife, his army of rabidly litigious lawyers and his bottomless reserves of hard cash.

Mr and Mrs Trump
Mr and Mrs Trump yesterday

Furthermore we support his right as the citizen of a free country to use those bottomless reserves of hard, pitiless cash to grind into the dirt any individual, corporation or publication he feels may have slighted either him or his wholly splendid, fragrant and morally unblemished wife.

At no point in the recent past did we mean to refer to the almost certainly virginal Mrs Trump as a plagiarist, whatever it may say here. Neither did we intentionally go on and on about the size of Mr Trump’s genitalia, like here. Or here. Or [God help ushere for that matter. Likewise his hair. Which is lovely and completely real and is supposed to look like that. Even in a stiff breeze.

Furthermore, any impression we may have falsely given that Mr Trump is a moron of the first water, a bottom-feeding moral vacuum of a man, or the hapless stooge of Vladimir Putin was entirely unintentional as was anything else we may have said to annoy him.

We would like to make it clear that the Dalston Mercury immediately retracts, deletes, wipes clean and backtracks on any other erroneous anti-Trump sentiment that may have inadvertently slipped through its pages time and time and time again.

(Which is not as fast as the Daily Mail backtracked, but pretty close.)

P.S:  And we definitely never said that Mrs Trump’s delivery of her Republican Convention speech was like watching a dyslexic Hustler model attempting Latin declension before an audience of baying hounds. That would’ve been rude.

 

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