Dalston to Impose Death-Based Immigration Policy Following Brexit Vote

Dalston Council Leader Selina Marr has rejected a points-based system for controlling migration, one of the key promises of Leave campaigners during the EU referendum.

Speaking in China for some reason, the Leader acknowledged people had voted for more control on the numbers of people moving to the UK, but the town hall later confirmed that an Australian-style points system was ‘not an option’.

‘No, that was never really going to work for Dalston, was it?’ said a council spokesman this morning, ‘What, with the unstoppable tide of immigrant hipsters flooding in from as far afield as Acton and Croydon? Bringing their impenetrable accents and their barbaric provincial customs with ’em? And their vegan doner kebabs and their ironic shoes? A points-based system is too good for scum like that. Bastards.’

Mrs Marr does intend to honour the wishes of the British people to control immigration, however, ‘it’s just that rather than a skills-based visa system,’ said the council spokesman, ‘she favours a machine gun-based system. Y’know, with checkpoints on all major routes into the borough, lots of barbed wire, savage hounds, possibly land mines, that kind of thing? Laser-guided smart bombs, yeah? Boiling acid. Summary executions performed by torchlight before baying crowds. She’s a bit of a traditionalist, you see, is old Selina.’

machine gun
Welcome to Dalston! Council border officials greet recent migrants at London Fields

We asked the local UKIP representative what he thought of a machine gun-based immigration system, but we couldn’t get much sense out of him because he appeared to be weeping with happiness.

 

 

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