Donald Trump has showered Vladimir Putin with praise as he and rival Hillary Clinton took questions from military veterans during a televised comedy routine, or ‘debate’ as these things are called in America.
Trump’s local spokesman, Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps movement, defended the presidential candidate’s assertion that Putin ‘has been a leader far more than our president [Obama] has been’.
‘Yeah,’ said Mr Oregon, ‘obviously Donald’s mastery of grammar and syntax means that phrase reads like something a toddler has spelt out with alphabet bricks, but he did back up his claim with some hard statistical evidence.’
Quizzed by NBC host Matt Lauer on his many affectionate and semi-erotic remarks about Mr Putin, Mr Trump responded: ‘He does have an enormously tumescent 82% approval rating,’ and said the Russian President had ‘great control over his country,’ plus ‘dreamy eyes’ and ‘skin you just want to lick all over’.
We pointed out to Mr Oregon that Adolf Hitler also had ‘great control over his country’ (although his skin was nothing special) and that those 18% of Russians who did not approve of Mr Putin were currently holidaying in Siberian gulags, except for those who glow in the dark as a result of their polonium-rich diet. And who are also dead.
However, Mr Oregon believes that if elected President, Mr Trump will ‘make America great again’ by adopting some novel Russian ideas.
‘For example,’ he said, ‘Donald, like Vladimir, is a keen environmentalist. In fact, we like to say he puts the ‘mental’ into ‘environmental’. But seriously folks, everyone knows we absolutely have to save our precious forests, yeah?’
‘So why do we need so many newspapers? It’s a well-known fact that liberals cut down six acres of pristine woodland to make a single copy of the New York Times. Vladimir loves forests so much he’s shut down hundreds of newspapers in Russia and just look at the place; it’s absolutely covered in trees! Now that’s real leadership, right there.’
Mr Oregon also told us that they want to do ‘that other cool Russian thing’ where you send your army to take over another country but you make the soldiers dress up like ordinary people so you can pretend all the shooting and blowing stuff up has got nothing to do with you. But then he said not to print that bit because they didn’t want the Canadians finding out, ‘Y’know, until it’s too late’.