Lavish Dalston Paralympics ‘To Make Rio Look Like Crap’

Inspired by the success of Britain’s Paralympic athletes, Dalston’s Clement Attlee estate is to hold its own festival of sport for the differently-abled.

‘Yeah,’ said event organiser Reg Corpule, ‘when sprinter Jonnie Peacock won Great Britain’s seventh gold medal of an extraordinary second day of the Paralympic Games in Rio, I though, ‘we’ll have a bit of that’.’

‘Obviously, here on the estate we face different physical challenges to those experienced by our established Paralympians,’ he told the Mercury while lighting up another Capstan Full Strength, ‘for a start we lack even the minimum level of cardio-vascular fitness, as you can see.’

‘But still, we aim to transcend the limits imposed on us by our disabilities to soar, phoenix-like, to bless the starry firmament of sport with lithesome grace and our unquenchable nobility of spirit.’

So, after a lavish opening ceremony at The White Horse, the Dalston Paralympics will commence with the games’ blue ribbon event, the Men’s 400m Mobility Scooter Steeplechase.

Later in the day, after another opening ceremony down the White Horse,  the eagerly anticipated Rhythmic Gymnastics for Drunks is sure to draw large crowds, as is the Bare Knuckle Boxing for the Intellectually Impaired which, of course, is a perennial Saturday evening favourite on the Clement Attlee Estate.

The Clement Attlee Estate Rhythmic Gymnastics team limbers-up

A lock-in at The White Horse will provide opportunity for a third lavish opening ceremony before the games climax with Junkie Pole Vaulting and Outrunning the Rozzers for People Disabled by a Limited Respect for the Law.

A lavish closing ceremony at The White Horse will be attended by spectators and competitors not banged-up or down casualty.

Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson was supposed to compete but she can’t hold her ale, apparently.


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