The world ended last night when the BBC lost the contract to broadcast The Great British Bake Off, which will now be shown on Channel 4.
All fighting in Syria has ceased as combatants pause to consider the implications of commercial breaks interrupting the scouse platitudes of twinkly-eyed adulterous dough-boy Paul Hollywood. Islamic State are considering throwing-in the towel they’re so upset.
Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton have agreed to postpone campaigning in the US presidential elections for one month in order to let the news sink in. Trump is said to be particularly concerned that the absence of Mel Giedroyc from the BBC may lead to global nuclear conflict or, at the very least, ‘substantially fewer jokes about jugs, which would be just as bad’.
Prime Minister Theresa May is said to be so traumatised by the news that she has locked herself in her Downing Street kitchen and is constructing a gigantic effigy of Mary Berry out of gingerbread which will fall to pieces just before the judging. Women’s hockey teams across the globe have downed sticks in protest at the potential disappearance of saucy sapphic culinary crumpet Sue Perkins from TV screens.
Oddly, though, we at the Dalston Mercury simply do not give a toss.
SO: Is there something wrong with us? Or has everyone else just gone mad? Have your say. (Letters to the usual address.)
P.S. Brexit has been cancelled, obviously.
(P.P.S. Soggy bottoms. snigger.)