Hot Weather in Dalston Provokes Gloating at Northerners

Dalston sweltered yesterday in temperatures ‘as high as those experienced in a pizza oven’ or even ‘very nearly as hot as a World Cup game in Qatar would be if anyone was stupid enough to play the World Cup in a country best known for its searing, life endangering temperatures’.

The Indian summer was enjoyed by Dalstonians in the traditional manner, with reported incidents of drunkenness, nudity, garrottings, honour killings, bear-baiting and hipster-mocking at a three-year high.

Only in the northern part of the borough – the so-called ‘Manchester Quarter’ – did the weather disappoint, with record numbers of drownings, deaths due to frostbite and European football match cancellations reported.

manchester
Dalston’s Manchester Quarter yesterday. The weather’s rubbish but the beer’s cheaper

However, most residents of the Manchester Quarter wear Liam Gallagher-style anoraks with the hoods up – even indoors and on Top of the Pops – so half of them barely noticed it was raining.

 

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