Radio Dalston Stars Paid More Than £150,000 To Be Named

Dalston’s leading broadcaster will have to name all employees and presenters paid more than £150,000 a year, under new government plans.

The clause will be included in a draft of Radio Dalston’s next Royal Charter, according to the station’s chief executive Mr Keith Yentob.

‘Yeah,’ Mr Yentob told the Mercury, ‘we haven’t been given specific details on how changes to the Charter will affect us yet, but the government have nobbled the BBC this week, so we’re bound to catch it too. Being a public service broadcaster of international renown and everything.’

A government White Paper sets out reforms to governance of Radio Dalston, including abolishing the Radio Dalston Trust and the setting up of a board to run day-to-day matters, with Ofcom as the external regulator.

‘It’s a bit of a liberty to be honest,’ said Mr Yentob from the hot dog stand he runs while not being chief executive of a global broadcasting behemoth. ‘Ofcom have been up our jacksies all week. Regulating the bollocks off us, they are.’

While new rules mean the BBC will have to reveal how much Gary Lineker is paid to stand around in his pants, the implications for Radio Dalston could be more far-reaching, and Mr Yentob believes that releasing stars’ salary details would affect the station’s ability to attract and retain top talent.

gary-lineker
Gary Lineker – paid in crisps and access to pornography. If he worked for Radio Dalston

‘Yeah, those gits at London Fields Radio have already tried to lure away some major talent with their offers of bottomless frappuccinos and Battenberg-on-demand. Tunnock’s Tea Cakes have been mentioned; plain brown envelopes stuffed with Hobnobs! We’re struggling to compete as it is.’

‘But now I can see us having to publish our annual crisp expenditure, for example,’ said Mr Yentob. ‘Some of our major stars insist on actual Monster Munch; the generic Tesco’s version just won’t cut it for broadcasters of the calibre of Fat Boy Jeff or Smiley Dreadlock. These artists demand the best.’

‘And Lord help us if the White Lightning runs out half way through a shift. I expect our account at Bazza’sBoozeBarn will have to be published in the name of public accountability. Thank God for DJ Ahmed is all I can say. He saves us a fortune on cider, although he is all ‘halal this’ and ‘halal that’ which is a pain when we’re getting the pizzas in.’

In addition to crisps, those presenters with the very highest global profiles are also allowed to use Radio Dalston’s laptop unsupervised ‘so long as they delete the history afterwards’ and are allowed to park their bikes in the kitchen, provided Mr Yentob’s mum isn’t working nights in which case they have to leave them behind the bins.

We asked how many Radio Dalston employees were actually paid £150,000, but Mr Yentob said he’d have to check with HR and get back to us.

 

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