Brightly-Coloured Candy Holds Key to All World’s Problems – Trump Spokesman

Donald Trump’s Dalston spokesman has acted to quell the public outrage that followed Donald Trump Jr’s tweet comparing Skittles to Syrian refugees.

Munching from a bag of the delicious American candy that is in no way a Smarties knock-off, Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps campaign told the Mercury: ‘Look, the thing with Junior is that he has a very sweet tooth. He’s always making inappropriate confectionery-based political analogies.’

‘I think, in this case, what he was trying to say was that Skittles represent the multi-hued melting pot of American society in which all the different colours combine to create the vibrant, harmonious country of which we are so proud. Except the occasional green one that wants to bomb the crap out of us and impose sharia law on our asses. No, erm, not that last bit.’

A Mars Bar – they’re fine, but do you want one moving in next door?

We asked whether Mr Trump held immigration-related views on any other kinds of sweets; mint imperials, for example. Mr Oregon said he wasn’t sure but felt that, to Mr Trump, Haribos probably represented the family of nations to which we are all kin, and that the key errors present in Keynesian economic theory were best illustrated by melting a Cadbury’s Double Decker over a small pyramid of wine gums.

We questioned Mr Oregon, who was now sweating profusely under his Stetson, about whether confectionery had anything to teach us on other complex world issues: humanitarian aid to Africa, for example; the effect of cartesian dualism on contemporary European political thinking; the potential efficacy of quantitive easing on the moribund Japanese economy. But he just ran away shouting: ‘Hostess Twinkies!’ and ‘Milk Duds!’ in a paranoid, foreigners-are-trying-to-shoot-me sort of way.



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