Dalston’s most celebrated full-time fantasist and occasional sex pest has broken his silence over the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, denying he played any part in the split.
‘Many years ago, I met the woman of my life. She is my love, my best friend, the only one that I need,’ he said. ‘Gwyneth Paltrow is woman enough for any man, let me tell you, mate.’
‘I mean, phwoar, eh? Bloody hell. Wouldn’t you?’
According to Mr Enteritis the actress, campaigner and noted beauty Angelina Jolie has ‘tried it on with me a few times, but I always felt she was after an exclusively sexual relationship, whereas me and Gwyneth share a deep spiritual bond. As well as going at it like a couple of jack hammers whenever we get the chance, naturally.’
Mr Enteritis also told us he ‘doesn’t want the grief of all those kids and having to go to the Oscars and that’ although he hopes that he and Angelina will remain ‘good friends. Possibly with a swift bunk-up now and again when Gwyneth’s off doing an Iron Man or something’.
Mr Enteritis’s lawyer begged us not to print any of this because his parole proceedings aren’t going too well as it is.