Following the sale of BBC TV hit the Great British Bake Off to Channel 4 the Dalston Mercury can confirm that presenter Mary Berry, who has opted to remain loyal to the BBC, will be named Prime Minister later today.
Mrs Berry, 106, appeared on the front of every single national newspaper this morning indicating strongly that her elevation to the highest office in the land is a mere formality.
‘It’s definitely going to be PM for Mary,’ said Dalston University’s Professor of Media and Journalism Studies Dr Frank Hacking, ‘there’s no possible alternate reason for a mature woman in a twin set and pearls to appear on the front page of every single British newspaper unless she’s going to be made Prime Minister.’
‘Or Queen,’ he said, ‘possibly Pope. Dalai Lama at the very least, but definitely nothing less trivial than that. Nothing to do with a cookery programme or anything. That’d just be bloody stupid and prove the world’s gone mad.’
Dr Hacking did confirm, however, that recent press reports have demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that Paul Hollywood is now the very quintessence of evil, and that death is too good for him.