Dalston Police made over 1600 arrests and more than 2000 people have been hospitalised after impromptu street parties celebrating Jeremy Corbyn’s re-election as Labour leader got out of hand last night.
‘It was like bloody VE day out there,’ Dalston police chief Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘like VE day combined with the Notting Hill Carnival, the Last Night of the Proms and the Relief of Mafeking, in my judgement.’
‘You can say what you like about ’em,’ he said, peeling Silly String off his truncheon, ‘but those Tories know how to throw a party.’
Injuries to ecstatic Conservative party members included split sides, near-terminal hyperventilation following several hours of sustained laughter, and bleeding palms resulting from an orgy of high-fiving that began when Mr Corbyn’s re-election was announced yesterday lunchtime and is expected to continue until ‘at least 2025, but probably a lot longer than that’.
According to witnesses, the only noise audible over popping champagne corks and ironic choruses of Things Can Only Get Better was the sound of Labour MPs shooting themselves in the face.