Despite unwavering confidence among fans and pundits that England only had to turn up at Qatar airport to be awarded the next World Cup – largely due to the astonishing tactical acumen of head coach Sam Allardyce – the national team once again finds itself a global laughing stock.
Allardyce was removed from his position last night, ostensibly for being an ‘utter tosspot’, although ‘greedy moron’, ‘gobby cretin’ or ‘lardy gobshite’ would have done just as well.
So would ‘overpromoted long-ball neanderthal’ and ‘antediluvian pub football throwback’.
And ‘talentless dickwad’. According to FA sources.
The Football Association has pledged to learn lessons from the Allardyce experience, one of which may be ‘to stop giving the most important job in English football to people who patently know bugger all about winning international tournaments and are, moreover, likely to bollocks the whole thing up by mocking their predecessors and looking for bungs from shifty businessmen after ten minutes in the bloody job’.
The world of international football, though, is famously meritocratic and morally incorruptible, so it is thought likely that Mr Allardyce will be joining the board of FIFA as early as next week, while Michel Platini is hotly tipped to become the next England coach. But only if Sir Philip Green is busy. Or the Yorkshire Ripper. He’d be good.