NEWS JUST IN: The nation’s two most dysfunctional administrative bodies are to be consolidated into a single organisation in order to halve the number of daily cock-ups perpetrated on the public and to save on newsprint. Six billion trees a year are expected to be spared as a result, although 93% of British journalists will lose their jobs.
According to sources, the Football Association and the Labour Party will be amalgamated next week and re-branded as i-neptitude, a publicly funded body that will be required to win neither general elections nor World Cups but will, instead, be asked to sit quietly in a corner and stop embarrassing the country.
Sam Allardyce is tipped to become i-neptitude‘s new shadow chancellor, while Seumas Milne will take over as coach of the England football team. Neither appointment is expected to make the slightest difference either to England’s likelihood of winning an international tournament or Labour’s ability to offer a realistic alternative to current government economic policy.
Wembley Stadium will be sold to IKEA in order to fund the new body and the entire organisation will be run from a Nissen hut on the North York Moors, a long way from any sensible people. At his own request Jeremy Corbyn will either be nationalised or sold to North Korea.