Newspaper sub-editors across the world have been hospitalised in huge numbers this morning due to injuries caused by the sheer physical effort of not making light of Kim Kardashian’s tragic ordeal in Paris last night.
Ms Kardashian, who became a global superstar for [Please check this – there must be more than ‘getting her tits out’ – Ed] was robbed at gunpoint at a luxury residence in Paris by two men dressed as police officers.
The haul from the robbery, mostly jewellery, was worth several million euros, every penny of which Ms Kardashian has earned through the sweat of her brow and is, consequently, thoroughly deserved. No argument about that. No sir.
It is uncertain whether Ms Kardashian’s sensibly named children were present during the robbery, but police have confirmed that both her buttocks were ‘definitely there’ throughout the ordeal.
We asked French police if the reality TV star [Really? That’s it? – Ed] accidentally allowed the robbers access to the residence while distracted, perhaps because she was busy squirting champagne onto her bottom or making a sex tape with a rapper. They said they weren’t certain yet, but ‘it was bound to have been something like that.’
Apparently Ms Kardashian is married to some pop star or other. Consensus around the office is that it’s the singer from Mike and the Mechanics, but we’ll get back to you on that.