Trump To Prove His Patriotism By Kicking Widows And Stealing Kittens From Toddlers

Hillary Clinton has attacked Donald Trump for not paying income tax for 18 years, but Mr Trump’s Dalston spokesman claims that the Republican nominee has ‘brilliantly’ navigated the complex tax code.

‘Yeah,’ Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps campaign told the Mercury, ‘the Donald’s business acumen makes him uniquely qualified to reform the tax code.’

‘First of all, by brilliantly managing to lose $1 billion in 1995 he has demonstrated, beyond any doubt, that he is the man to bring back prosperity to the USA.’

Dream ticket: Trump & Manson in 2016 for a safer, wealthier America

‘And by ripping-off the American people for nearly two decades he has shown unbending commitment to the country he loves. Otherwise he’d have been ripping-off somewhere else, wouldn’t he? Like Costa Repro or Papua New Zealand or someplace. Kapeesh?’

‘No siree, he flagrantly denuded the coffers of the American state because he just darn tootin’ loves the place and its people so damn much.’

Expanding Mr Trump’s novel ‘poacher-turned-gamekeeper’ approach to national governance, Al Capone is expected to be named Head of the Federal Reserve and Lance Armstrong will become chair of the Senate’s Ethics Committee. And Ambassador to France. And CEO of GlaxoSmithKline. With Barry Bonds.

Oh, and Charles Manson will head-up the National Institute of Mental Health.



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