In shock overnight developments TV Chef Jamie Oliver has emerged as favourite to take over as party leader of UKIP after the newly elected Diane James stood down after just 18 days in the job.
‘Yeah,’ said UKIP’s Dalston spokesman Reg Fuhrer, ‘Jamie’s shown he’s got exactly what it takes to lead this party; namely the capacity to piss-off foreigners in general, but our European neighbours in particular.’
Mr Oliver managed to stop procreating long enough yesterday to post his recipe for paella online. This inedible slop was considered so jaw-droppingly inauthentic by Spanish readers that a state of war was immediately declared by the Madrid government. Gibraltar is probably being annexed as we speak.
Italians who have dined at Mr Oliver’s chain of restaurants have long claimed that his Spaghetti Carbonara is, in itself, reason enough to end diplomatic relations with the UK. The Greek government is on record as saying any suggestion that the chef has even attempted a kleftiko will result in the immediate forced repatriation of the Elgin Marbles. We understand the Prime Minister is currently on her knees begging Mr Oliver not to cook anything Russian.
‘So, yeah,’ continued Mr Fuhrer, ‘he’s a top man. Essex boy and that, so bound to ‘one of us’ if you know what I mean. Job’s his if he wants it.’
Late Breaking News: The manufacturers of Turkey Twizzlers and the Amalgamated Union of Chip Shop Proprietors are believed to be providing funds in support of a military strike on Chelmsford.
The operation is to be lead by the French, who have neither forgotten not forgiven Mr Oliver’s Cassoulet avec Kipper en croute. The Americans are considering joining in too; they have nothing against Chelmsford per se, they just think Jamie Oliver is a patronising tit.