Dalston’s Labour Party Leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm has reshuffled his cabinet in a move that has been described as ‘the most futile act in the history of British politics’ by just about everyone.
The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone that had been acting shadow home secretary has made a sideways move to the foreign office to be replaced by a pot plant, which has been elevated from the back benches as a reward for its loyalty to Mr Hobsbawm.
The stray dog that had been at defence has been moved to business secretary for being insufficiently anti-Trident, although his habit of mounting the legs of visiting dignitaries probably didn’t help either.
The new shadow attorney general is some woman Mr Hobsbawm met on a march who promised she would ‘do or say absolutely anything to get the job. Really, absolutely anything at all even if it’s demonstrably untrue and about anti-Semitism in the Labour party. I mean the lack of anti-Semitism in the Labour party. Er…’.
Breaking News: Some comedian just told us that Mr Hobsbawm has made Diane Abbott shadow home secretary, but even he’s not that stupid. We can confirm, however, that a leg of lamb has been appointed chief whip and a rubber chicken, noted for its pacifism, has taken over the defence brief.
Announcing the changes to his team, Mr Hobsbawm said in a statement: ‘I am delighted to confirm the appointments of four extremely talented inanimate objects to our shadow cabinet.’
‘These appointments mean, for the first time ever, two out of the three traditional ‘great offices of state’ will be shadowed by completely useless items that just happen to agree with me in every way.’
UKIP celebrated news of the reshuffle by punching each other’s lights out.