Researchers at prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Political ‘Science’ have reported that following recent developments in the presidential election campaign, the USA is ‘officially great again’.
‘Yeah,’ said research leader Dr Franklin Delano Rooney, ‘America officially stopped being great when President Bill Clinton was forced to tell fibs in order to cover up his raunchy shenanigans with saucy White House strumpet Monica Lewinsky.’
‘Obviously, this was an outrageous abuse of the President’s constitutional right to free speech.’
‘To force a president to lie in order to avoid impeachment for illicit trouser activity was contrary to the intentions of the framers of the constitution. Most of whom were shagging their slaves and bragging about it in locker rooms and on reality TV shows. Almost certainly.’
‘Anyhow, whatever,’ continued Dr Rooney, ‘the gagging of President Clinton was enough to diminish America’s Greatness Quotient by 17.3%, leaving the country mired in the middle rank of formerly great nations, like Portugal, and only just above the status of permanently crap nations. Like France.’
However, according to Dr Rooney’s research, presidential candidate Donald Trump‘s refreshing candour – demonstrated particularly in his frank and open discussions of ‘uninvited vaginal manipulation’ and ‘Tic Tac-enabled hot tongue action’ – has ‘re-established his nation’s reputation for freedom of expression. Even if those expressions mark you as an indelibly loathsome and irredeemable loon who is hated by women across the globe’.
Editor’s Note: We were actually going to run a story about the manufacturers of Tic Tac rushing to distance themselves from the Trump campaign. But that actually happened. Honestly. Google it. America, eh?