Smartphone Owners Told To ‘Turn The Damn Thing Off! In The Name Of God Do It Now! Aaaaargh!’

After a number of reported battery fires, Dalston tech giant Simsong has urged customers to turn off their high-end smartphones ‘if they haven’t already gone up like Krakatoa, that is’.

The firm also said it would stop all sales of the phones, mainly because their entire stock was being kept in a box at the back of a lock-up which blew up last night taking the local branch of Subway with it.

Simsong originally recalled ‘umpteen’ phones in September after complaints of exploding batteries, and later insisted that all replaced devices were safe, despite regular conflagrations taking place in local handbags and a number 38 bus melting for no good reason.

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Mr Nigel Henderson of Stoke Newington checks his emails yesterday

Company chairman  Samir ‘SamKam’ Kamal has blamed ‘an imperfect component supply chain’ for the fires which have so far claimed 137 lives, not including that airliner that evaporated over Clapton Pond last week.

‘Yeah,’ Mr Kamal told the Mercury, ‘it’s definitely a component supply issue.’

‘I mean, you can only work with what you’re given, and the boys have had a pretty lean month, phone wise. I actually had to use bits of a Blackberry yesterday. It was like being back in the stone age.’

‘In this business, your product is only as good as the parts you can nick, as I always say.’

Simsong are attempting to remedy the technical fault by employing ‘faster mopeds’ and ‘bigger blokes what can hang on to the handbags better’.

The company’s global share price has been unaffected by the crisis but Mr Kamal ‘was given a right twatting’ by some geezer whose shed burned down.

 

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