Dalston vigilantes are pursuing a campaign of intimidation, violence and gratuitous dismemberment against members of the public they suspect of being behind the ‘creepy clown’ phenomenon.
The smouldering remains of Tommy Tootles, a much loved children’s entertainer, were found all over the place this morning, just yards from where, last Saturday, the actor who plays Mr Tumble was subjected to a savage critique of his performance in the 2015 CBBC pantomime.
Mr Bob Cartwright, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was set upon by a gang of men wielding cricket bats and a frozen leg of lamb as he was passing the Clement Attlee Estate last night.
He told the Mercury: ‘They just came out of nowhere shouting ‘nonce’ and ‘stay away from our kiddies you Grimaldi-esque pervert’. Then they beat the crap out of me and ran away yelling ‘down with the Commedia dell’arte and that’.
‘I wouldn’t care, but I’m not even a clown. I’ve just got big feet.’
We did check, and Mr Cartwright does have really big feet, plus slightly mad hair. But he still insists he is not a clown.
‘I’m not a bloody clown, you tit,’ he said.
Reports of people being beaten up for wearing bow ties are up 30% on the year, as are attacks on people driving really small cars.
Unicycle riders have also been targeted, leaving over 4000 Dalston hipsters with life-threatening injuries, although there are so many excellent reasons to beat up an adult riding a unicycle in a public place that no one is sure whether these assaults are clown-related.
Dalston police have advised anyone with a cold to stay at home because ‘having a red nose during the current coulrophobia-driven orgy of violence could get you a right battering, and no mistake.’
We asked the police if it was acceptable to assault any children’s entertainers at all, but they said ‘No. Only Noel Edmonds. Timmy Mallett at a pinch, but definitely Noel Edmonds.’