A desperate global search is underway this morning to locate a single girl or woman who has not been sexually violated in some way by US presidential candidate Donald Trump.
‘We’re really struggling at the moment,’ said Trump’s Dalston spokesman Mr Eugene Oregon last night, ‘I mean, there has to be someone out there he hasn’t groped, fingered, forced against a wall, leered at, tongued or rubbed his crotch against, but I’m damned if we can find her.’
Mr Oregon hopes that Republican Party-financed expeditions to isolated Inuit and Amazonian rain forest tribes may yet yield up a female of between ten and eighty years of age who has not had her buttocks cupped by Mr Trump’s tiny hands, but he’s not holding his breath.
‘I even checked with my Mom,’ Mr Oregon told the Mercury, ‘but even she had multiple stories about him lunging at her in her bath chair, reeking of Tic Tacs, knocking over her angina medication in his animal lust. She didn’t even have time to take her teeth out, such was his libidinous urgency.’
‘I mean, it’s no wonder we’ve been getting such bad press,’ he went on, ‘there isn’t a female journalist on earth who has not experienced Donald’s tumescent attentions at first hand.’
Yesterday Mr Trump was also been banned from travelling with Cunard, apparently for trying to mount the Queen Mary because it has a girl’s name. ‘None of this is playing well with undecided voters,’ said Mr Oregon gloomily, ‘even people who like ships are against us now.’
We called Mr Trump’s mobile in the hope of getting a quote but apparently it’s broken – trampled underfoot yesterday by 300 fleeing beauty pageant contestants, according to sources.