Dalston’s Scottish National Party Conference began yesterday with a rousing speech from party leader ‘Wee’ Jock ‘Halibut’ McKrankie decrying the ‘vile English propensity for engaging in crude stereotypes where Scottish people are concerned’.
Washing down his deep-fried Mars Bar with a can of Tennant’s Extra, Mr McKrankie told conference: ‘We may have been denied independence by an accident of democracy – democracy imposed on us by our English oppressors, by the way – but Scottish men and women in Dalston refuse to be characterised as cartoonish cliches by our Anglo-Saxon jailers and overlords! Och-aye!’
Mr McKrankie – resplendent in a striking kilt and string vest combination – ended his speech by painting his face blue and shouting ‘Freedom!’ before dancing around a couple of swords on the floor and eating a Tunnock’s Teacake.
Then conference all got pished and were arrested for causing a fight outside a pub before being driven away by police while singing The Bonnie Banks O’ Loch Lomond and being rubbish at football.
They might have been wearing those tartan hats with orange hair sticking out, but we’re not sure.
There was also something in the speech about another independence referendum and not leaving the EU but, y’know, yadda yadda…