Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has given up trying to beat rival Hillary Clinton in debate over substantive policy issues and has instead decided to challenge her in areas where his team believes she may be weakest.
‘Yeah,’ Trump’s Dalston spokesman Eugene Oregon told the Mercury, ‘we thought about demanding competitive drugs tests, but that sounded a bit desperate even by our standards. So we went away and came back with a few better ideas.’
Mr Trump will now challenge Mrs Clinton to a running race (‘from here to that tree over there’), an egg and spoon race (‘no holding onto the egg with your thumb or getting the liberal media to glue it on for you’), and a game of conkers in which the conkers will be selected by the Trump camp to ensure the Secret Service hasn’t soaked one of them in vinegar or secretly baked it in a low oven or something unconstitutional like that.
‘Critics in the increasingly biased mainstream media will inevitably bleat on about Donald’s campaign becoming deranged and infantile,’ said Mr Oregon from his favourite ball pool, ‘but nothing could be further from the truth.’
‘And, by the way, the election is definitely going to be, like, totally rigged!’
‘By the Boogie Man, if you must know! There, I’ve said it!’
‘Can I have a lolly now? Where’s Mr Snuggles?’
‘I. Want. Mr Snuggles NOW!”
We tried contacting Mr Trump’s campaign headquarters for confirmation of the ‘Boogie Man’ accusations, but they said they were all busy trying to keep Mr Trump’s dick in his trousers.
(Except they’re Americans, so what they actually said was they were ‘trying to keep his schlong in his goddamn pants’.)