Pornography To Replace European History In Dalston Schools

The headmistress of Dalston’s St Fallopia Church of England Secondary Modern School has controversially welcomed calls to analyse pornography in the classroom.

Last week Jenni Murray, respected host of the BBC’s Woman’s Hour, told an audience at the Cheltenham Literature Festival: ‘We give our kids Jane Austen to read and we say ‘OK let’s analyse it’. Why not show them pornography and teach them how to analyse it?’

‘God, that’d be such a bloody relief,’ headmistress Vera Lovelace told the Mercury, ‘Anything to stop the little buggers shagging in the toilets for ten minutes.’

‘Frankly, I’d welcome any change to the curriculum that means we could actually draw an audience. Two hours on the War of the Spanish Succession just isn’t going to do it with these kids, is it? Some members of staff can’t remember what a child looks like.’

‘So if it takes Thai ladyboy orgies and hot girl-on-girl bondage action to get them to put their damn phones down and stop stabbing each other I’m all for it, let me tell you!’

Czar Alexander II signs the Edict of Emancipation, 1861

Mrs Lovelace told the Mercury she wasn’t much bothered about what sort of pornography was presented to pupils ‘so long as it gets bums on seats, darling’. We asked about gay amputee hardcore and whether midget teabagging would be acceptable, but she said they’d be fine although she might draw the line at barnyard animals ‘unless it was specifically requested. The sixth form are big on donkeys, apparently’.

St Fallopia Church of England Secondary Modern School is currently in special measures having been consistently rated ‘poor, going on Aleppo’ for the last 12 years.

More positively, though, the exceptionally high incidence of teenage pregnancies and gunshot wounds suffered by pupils means the school is the only one in the country to offer courses in practical midwifery and combat surgery. In fact, both practical midwifery and combat surgery are mandatory to GCSE level. The school’s methadone clinic was recently rated ‘excellent, if a bit rammed’.


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