Following last night’s largely calamitous performance by Donald Trump in the final US presidential debate his Dalston spokesman has backed the Republican candidate’s flexible stand on accepting the result of the upcoming election.
‘Yeah’, said Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps campaign, ‘I think it’s very, very unlikely we will accept the judgement of the American people. Very unlikely. It’s looking less and less likely every day, in fact.’
Attempting to justify Mr Trump’s refreshingly liberal interpretation of US election conventions, Mr Oregon told the Mercury: ‘Look, son, if the so-called ‘people’ are dumb enough to vote for that evil commie harlot we would be failing in our constitutional duty if we took any notice of them. It’s the law. I’m pretty sure it’s the law. According to the 45th amendment, I think. Yeah, 45th. Or the 91st. Er…’
We asked whether there was anything else Mr Trump would refuse to accept despite overwhelming evidence running contrary to his position. Mr Oregon thought for a bit before answering ‘hair loss.’
‘Male pattern baldness is fundamentally unjust and we must not – as a proud independent nation – accept it in any form.’
‘Also, women not keeping their goddamn mouths shut. We don’t accept them. They’re unconstitutional. Or should be.’
He went on to tell us that Mr Trump would not accept the inevitability of the sun rising in the east, the turn of the seasons or the result of the 1951 World Series. He also threatened to sue the Atlantic Ocean if the tide came in as predicted tomorrow morning.