Gary Lineker / Harry Redknapp Melt Fleet Street – Many Dead

After an astonishing sequence of events – described as ‘unprecedented in the history of news’ by sources – the front pages of British newspapers literally exploded this morning as the white heat of tabloid journalism reacted with the chemical stimuli of red-hot tittle-tattle to produce a ‘perfect storm’ of headline combustability. Several sub-editors have been hospitalised, others jailed.

Media commentators anticipated trouble from the moment Gary Lineker was stripped of his knighthood for running over Harry Redknapp’s wife in a Russian aircraft carrier.

The situation reached crisis point after Sir Philip Green took to Twitter to lash the Home Office for being ‘hideously racist’ to retired footballers and Hillary Clinton – attempting to pass herself off as a 15-year-old Syrian refugee – won the Witney by-election for the Liberal Democrats.

the-queen
Her Majesty The Queen. She’s still at it, you know? Never learns…

‘This confluence of headline-ready events occurring on a single day was always going to have a devastating effect on the newspaper industry,’ says the Mercury’s media correspondent.

‘Editors have never before been so overwhelmed by awesome headline potential. Well, not since that famous Saturday Kim Kardashian won Strictly with Lord Lucan  before giving birth to Elvis Presley’s love child live on stage. And the Queen crashed her hang glider into Harrods. That was quite a day.’

As we go to press, the Mercury is still waiting to hear whether Donald Trump will be presenting Match of the Day as usual tomorrow. If not, Cheryl Cole is up for it, apparently.

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10 thoughts on “Gary Lineker / Harry Redknapp Melt Fleet Street – Many Dead”

      1. Gotta be Mike Hookem (if he’s still an MEP …). Not much use for Luncheon Vultures round our way, could I have a Rook Token instead?

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