Bob Dylan ‘Talentless, Scruffy and Tone-Deaf’ – Nobel Committee

The body that awards the Nobel Prize for Literature is considering withdrawing the honour from singer / songwriter Bob Dylan after the reclusive star failed to leap somersaults of delight on receiving the news.

The Dalston representative of the Swedish Academy, Mrs Annifrid Nøwingme-Nowingyöo tole the Mercury: ‘Frankly, it’s no big deal if Bob wants to be a sour puss about it; there are plenty of other fish in the sea – fish that don’t sing like an octogenarian with impacted sinuses. Half his stuff doesn’t even rhyme. And, I mean, get a haircut, Granddad. Jeez..!’

Mrs Nøwingme-Nowingyöo confirmed to the Mercury that Leonard Cohen, a comparative ray of sunshine after Mr Dylan, was approached  with a view to accepting the famed prize this year, but had turned it down as ‘sloppy seconds’.

Nobel Laureates The Wombles

‘We also tried Joni Mitchell,’ said Mrs Nøwingme-Nowingyöo, ‘but she was out. Or possibly hiding. Babs Streisand didn’t want to know, either.’

‘Neither Run DMC or the Beastie Boys are answering our calls and Meat Loaf’s on holiday, apparently,’ she said.

The award ceremony on 10 December will take place as scheduled, however, when the recipient of the prestigious award will be ‘either Black Lace for Agadoo or Mike Batt for his transcendent work with The Wombles’.

Late Breaking News: The award of the Nobel Prize for Literature to The Wombles has been thrown into doubt after Orinoco – a high-profile television star of the 1970s –  was banged-up last night as part of Operation Yewtree. Bagpuss is also in the frame, apparently.



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