Jeremy Corbyn ‘Completely To Blame’ For Donald Trump

As Donald Trump further exercised his natural gift for taste and diplomacy by threatening to beat up 73-year-old Vice President Joe Biden yesterday, Mr Trump’s supporters are laying the blame for his poor showing in the polls on Jeremy Corbyn.

Republican party officials had been banking on Mr Corbyn doing or saying something utterly witless on a daily basis during the presidential campaign in order to detract international press attention from their own candidate’s hourly  moronic ventings.

‘Jeez, you Labour guys, c’mon!’ said Trump’s Dalston spokesman Eugene Oregon yesterday, ‘It all started so well!’

‘Spending billions on new nuclear submarines and then not buying any missiles to put in them – that was great. Elevating people to the House of Lords but only if they promised to say nice but transparently untrue things about you – genius! We need more of that kinda stuff.’

jeremy-corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn yesterday (sandwich not pictured)

According to Mr Oregon, non-nuclear nuclear submarines were worth at least one ‘pussy-grab’ or two ‘fat-shamed beauty queens’ to Mr Trump. Republicans are concerned, though, that Mr Corbyn has not been seen in public for several weeks and are desperate for him to make a major policy statement in order to save Mr Trump’s campaign.

‘Nationalising the sea would be good,’ said Mr Oregon, ‘declaring Joseph Goebbels a proud Zionist and putting him on a banknote; any of that classic Corbynite stuff would do. But we really, really need Jeremy to come good right now. We’re dying here!’

The Mercury understands that Mr Corbyn’s recent spate of competence is due to his being locked in a box at TUC headquarters. Apparently Len McCluskey gives him a sandwich and takes him out for a walk every evening, but only after all the journalists have gone to bed.

 

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