Legs Now More Important Than News (Except Great British Bake Off News, Obviously)

Driven to a state of catatonic ennui by the crushing boredom of reporting news, once-respected national newspapers have said ‘to hell with it’ and started looking at shiny objects on the internet instead.

This morning’s news that the UK economy has remained unexpectedly buoyant despite the Brexit vote was largely ignored by the press, as was the impending annihilation of everyone in Aleppo. Instead, newspaper websites were dominated by pictures of shiny legs.

Are they shiny, or are they covered in news?

A spokesman for the Daily Telegraph (or it might have been the New York Times – we forget) said: ‘While the controversial decision to expand Heathrow Airport and the catastrophic earthquakes in central Italy may be of residual interest to the public, we thought that shiny legs were just much more now, really.

‘But what about Syria?’ we asked; ‘what about unaccompanied children sleeping in the smouldering ruins of the Calais Jungle refugee encampment?’ The Telegraph spokesman replied: ‘You won’t believe what this ’80s TV star looks like today!’ and a lady from the Guardian took the moral high ground by directing us to some photos of LA’s cheery termite fumigation tents.

In breaking news: Did you have PPI? This simple check will tell you how much your CV is worth in the ten most livable cities in the world! And let you gawp at Brad Pitt’s intimate photos of Angelina Jolie! Yeah!



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